How are women like former Glamour blogger and current People scribe Alyssa Shelasky destroying feminism? By sending out change of contact emails that say things like "I can't figure out how to order a Time Inc blackberry. Me and corporate America are not exactly bff....!" OMG LOL you two are so not but let's go talk about it over manicures and then rehash "The Hills" okay? God, my mother would strangle her with one hand.
"Ink-on-paper magazines" are having a "long slow sunset," according to Felix Dennis, fun-loony former Maxim owner—but they're not making up the cash on the web, in part because publishers just won't lower their standards far enough. Time Inc., the Economist says, "has stuck to its big magazine brands with People.com and with SI.com, its website for Sports Illustrated. The price, competitors say, is that Time Inc cannot do the sort of sarcastic, bitchy celebrity gossip that people like on the internet for fear of tarnishing the brand of People, and therefore cedes first place for entertainment to TMZ.com (also owned by Time Warner), which excels at it." Well, that doesn't mean they're not gonna try to take on TMZ! After all, not only did People hire Alyssa Shelasky, Glamour's former dippy blogette, they hired David Caplan, the mad ungenius behind the now-defunct 24Sizzler, the worst celebugoss site to ever tarnish the internots. So surely they're up to some secret standard-lowering project?
What follows is like aversion therapy for those who might want to go to the Hamptons. On Saturday night in Amagansett, as Jessica Coen reported today at New York mag, the sundry foodie blogging glitterati gathered for a burger cook-off. Coen was there to support her man Lockhart Steele, our (and her!) former boss at this very website. She looks really happy. That "typical summer share house" was Eater honcho Ben Leventhal's, and it is called "Southfork." Julia Allison was there too! She was cozying up with College Humor's Jakob Lodwick. Later they would have a huge knock-down drag-out fight but then go on to make up. Former Glamour blogger and Gawker enemy Alyssa Shelasky was munching on Doritos poolside, as was weirdly attractive photographer Jessica Craig-Martin. Hampton's Style editor Deb Schoeneman was there, as was College Humor millionaire and (coincidence!) Hampton's Style Contributing Editor Ricky Van Veen. His pictures can be found here; the one above is the only one of Julia Allison topless, just to save you time searching.
So Alyssa Shelasky's old Glamour blog "Alyssacentric" is now being written by a dude who says things like "You know how they say you live and learn? Well, the same be could be said about loving—you love and you learn." And, like ants whose queen just got squished under the sole of someone's Havaiana, the commenters are scrambling around bumping into things and making little high-pitched squeaks of pain. "She's been cheating on us for MONTHS!" ejaculates workoffiction, while LORIKNOWS responds with a more tempered, "Speechless.. kind of. At least we get to see what she's up too [sic]." But Rubykix7's comment is perhaps the most poignant: "I'm sad. I wrote her an e-mail on myspace and she didn't respond. Guess she's too busy." You know, sometimes, Rubykix7, you love and you learn.
We thought we'd seen the last of Scary Sadshaw extraordinaire Alyssa Shelasky when she abandoned her post as a Glamour.com blogger. "You'll have someone new to write about soon. Lucky them," Alyssa told us then. Little did we suspect, though, that we would also have someone old to write about still: Alyssa herself. She's continuing to document her Hamptons-partying lifestyle in her trademark special way, now under the auspices of Hampton Style, which is helmed this summer by the increasingly sundamaged Deborah Schoeneman. "The music was pumping, the models were mesmerizing, and the crowd was the ultimate 'it' clique," Alyssa wrote of a recent bash. We missed you, girl!
Vanessa Carlton and Other Superheroes [Hampton Style]
Contributing editors at Deb Schoeneman's Hampton Style: sometime Times travel writer Julia Chaplin, Lucky and Paper and Time Out vet Kristina Dechter, UK Observer New York contributor Edward Helmore, former "Topic A With Tina Brown" gal and Radar contributor Sarah Horne, photographer Noah Kalina, Eater king Ben Leventhal, celeb photog'er Patrick McMullan, former High Times editor Annie Nocenti, Daily Candy lass Pavia Rosati, former Glamour blogger Alyssa Shelasky, College Humor honcho Ricky Van Veen, pothead socialite Arden Wohl, Deb's former Observer co-worker Alexandra Wolfe. No wonder everyone loves it so much. [Hampton Style/The Beach]
"Maybe I'm just too good at being single. Maybe I'm just not ready for a relationship. Who knows, maybe I grew up watching too many soaps. These are things I ask myself when I wonder why, after all my relationships, hot dates and hookups, I'm still so single," wrote Glamour specialblogger Alyssa Shelasky in August of 2006. One year and several gallons of Cosmos and a thousand mockings from us later, she's no longer wondering—at least, not professionally. In response to our query, she writes, "Hey, Emily. It's true, I'm going to be working on other projects. The blog isn't going away, there's a guest blogger for the summer, so no worries, you'll have someone new to write about soon. Lucky them. xx." Uh, I just teared up a little?
Glamour developmentallydisabledblogger Alyssa Shelasky may be out in the sultry Hamptons, but as discussed, she's working her core, not her "core." What to do, then? Well, turn to the mailbag. Because there, some poor soul is actually soliciting Alyssa's advice about what to do when a dude is a dud in the ol' bedroom-region!
Curious about what's going on in Glamour tardblogger Alyssa Shelasky's Hamptonsy lifestyle? Look no further than her latest work of blogcraft, which is about how she is focusing less on spinning and more on working her core. Omg, what?? Here's how it begins: "Tried a new workout today. It's called Core Fusion—and it focuses on, well, your core. At first I didn't like it. I was surrounded by a bunch of soccer moms (aka MILFS) and they made me a little uncomfortable. I missed the young, energized, eccentric spin crowd. But it got better. After a few stretches I could feel my muscles responding really positively. I've been spinning so much that it felt incredible to push other parts of my body. It also felt nice to exercise without absolutely killing myself. No matter how many spinning classes I take, I'm still in screaming pain during some of those climbs. With that said, another perk with freelancing is the ability to take care of myself like this. I'll never take that for granted." Are you sitting down? Cause that's not all.
"The beach" is Glamour tardblogger Alyssa Shelasky's excuse for this outfit, which she describes as "a Southern runaway, like, Juliette Lewis/Natural Born Killers. Fine, my costume made no sense. Just wanted an excuse to wear fake eyelashes, Jessica Simpson extensions (my hair is shoulder length again), and a skanky black bra." The second extreme thing Alyssa is doing is a mistake we have made before: having one's photo taken alongside Julia Allison, whose skin is coated with a special compound that makes every photograph of her look like it came from Us Weekly and which makes anyone standing near her look like a smeary-eyelinered troll. Oh, and here's something else extreme: "My sister is almost done with her teaching year, so she'll be here causing trouble with me soon. I've actually met some guys who would be better for her than me. I've even semi-dated one or two! Have you and your sibs ever exchanged guys/girls? Would that freak a guy out? Actually, it would probably turn them on. Men!" JESUS CHRIST, ALYSSA.
Good To Be Bad [Alyssa]
When last we checked in on Glamour's resident navelgazeologist Alyssa, she was anticipating a summer of fun in the Hamptons tainted only by a mild worry that she might run into an old enemy. Luckily, it seems she's done nothing lately but make new friends! Hedge fund friends! "Older" friends! Friends who, when they see the way Alyssa's characterized her interactions with them on her bloggyblog, might not find themselves feeling quite so friendly!
"I'm starting to get self conscious," writes Glamour Alyssa Shelasky on the blog where she scrutinizes every aspect of herself regularly. Today's reason for Alyssa's self consciousness? Alyssa has just found out that her "one enemy" is going to be living just down the street from her in Southampton this summer. Said enemy "once did something unforgivable" to her. Ooh, details please! "I trusted her with something incredibly personal, and she used it to (try to) ruin me! And that's putting it nicely." Will whoever this is please out herself ASAP? We'd like to be your friend.
So Glamour dating blogger Alyssa Shelasky dropped a bit of a bomb on her loyal readers the other day: She's seeing someone! She's actually in a real, live relationship, and so she's been blogging more about her life—buying an apartment in New York with her sister, you know, the usual—and her audience is really upset. Turns out a dating blogger's life is pretty boring when she's not writing about dating.
• Hey, got a second? Good, take a seat. We've got some distressing news for you, so brace yourself: Kevin Federline's unforgettable first single, "PopoZ o," will not be included on his debut album. We don't understand it either. It's just too soon to see something so great die; sob... [Idolator]
• At a book party he hosted for Arianna Huffington, former Viacom CEO Tom Freston threw FishbowlNY blogger Dylan Stableford out of his apartment. Aw. Jim Kelly would NEVER do that! [FishbowlNY]
• GQ editor leaves in favor of being in charge of big boobs at Penthouse. [Radar]
• Speaking of Huffington: if there were only 24 hours before the End of the World, she would blog. Someone get this lady outside, please. [92Y]
• Meet Dethroner, the smart boy blog from Gawker Media alum Joel Johnson, formerly of Gizmodo and performer of other ass-saving duties around HQ. [Dethroner]
• If the boys at Maxim, who'd fuck a rotten cantaloupe if given the chance, find Nancy Grace "unboinkable," you know it's time to put the old gal down. [Maxim]
• The Upper East Side property blown to pieces by Dr. Nicholas Bartha Bartha will be selling for $8 million million. [NY Sun]
• Should Glamour dating blogger have text-sex with a stranger in Iceland? Or should she fuck one of the seventeen other dudes she's publicly playing? [See Alyssa Date]
• Hey, did you hear about blogs? They're good for business. Seriously, if we have to read one more article like this, we're going to smash in every newspaper editor's face with our laptops. [WSJ]
• Jessica Joffe's reign of terror for Banana Republic comes to an end, letting media freaks return to buying overpriced merino without having to see her flaming red hair at every turn. [WWD (2nd item)]
It's come to our attention that Glamour's fearless dating blogger Alyssa Shelasky, whose job requires her to navigate the single-girl waters based on the results of reader polls, was offended by some of our earlier posts. Let's be clear: we have no ill will towards Alyssa and think her column pic is kind of cute. If we seem "bitter," it's because we don't know where to buy that grey tube top (seriously, the loose fit is so crucial after had a few beers. Bloated!).