The headline of this post is also the actual headline of a story in the New York Sun today. We didn't even change it, because it was already funny! The peppy little broadsheet reasons that since London just elected an ex-journalist as mayor, hey, why not here? And the neocon paper rounds up the very cream of the city's third-tier columnist crop to explain why such a feat be might hard for a member of the embittered, self-important writing class to pull off: because columnists "have too much integrity."
Sun columnist Alicia Colon: "Most Hollywood films are sympathetic to the plight of women and teenagers caught in unwanted pregnancies. The abortion providers are saintly figures such as Michael Caine in "The Cider House Rules," for which he won an Academy Award in 1999. When a film comes along that might stir some misgiving about the loss of values in our society it's met with resistance..." Yeah, everyone remembers how they buried Knocked Up, right? [NYS]
We have a half-developed theory that the Catholic Church's rejection of the Latin Mass in the wake of Vatican II - which instructed priests to perform the ceremony in the language of its parishioners and face the congregation, as opposed to previous practice - was a reaction to the aggressive bebop stylings of the late fifties and early sixties, where the players turned their back on the crowds and performed music that was more difficult to understand. Like a lot of the crap we spout off about, the whole idea is sort of ridiculous and without merit, but, whatever, it's not like we're shouting it out in a major metropolitan daily or anything. Because that would make us, you know, Alicia Colon.
Alicia Colon, our favorite crank at The Sun, has been blogging up a storm of late. It's all the crazy you've come to expect from Alicia, condensed into bite-size bits of batshittery. Call us traditionalists, but we prefer to get our nutty natterings in full-length column form. What's she on about today? Oh, distorting a classic of children's literature! Neat!
Colon, Alicia, Four, marker on paper (detail)
While many have chosen to disparage the massive bonuses "earned" by Wall Street figures this year, the stout souls at the New York Sun, whose failure to produce a financially viable business model has surely engendered their respect for any sort of fiscal acumen, take a stand for the billionaires. In an editorial yesterday, the paper declared that,
We don't spend a lot of time wondering what boggles Sun columnist/Staten Island superpatriot Alicia Colon's mind (offhand we're guessing logic, adding numbers without using her fingers, and the ability of a Thermos to keep liquids hot or cold), but yesterday an opportunity came up to watch one of the five boroughs' brightest minds in action. In the course of a column where she speculated that Wal-Mart's recent financial difficulties stemmed from customer disapproval of that corporation's membership in the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, Colon muses:
We say this about pretty much every Alicia Colon column, but today's dispatch from the trenches of Lunatic City must really be read in its entirety so that you can appreciate the sheer insanity displayed therein. Alicia tackles the charged topic of gun control (SPOILER: she's agin' it) with her standard rhetorical method of support for her argument: interspersing one or two well-known historical events with anecdotal examples from her personal life.
Remember how, during the 2004 presidential race, there was that idiot rumor that buying Heinz ketchup would somehow aid the Kerry campaign? And remember how a couple of clever entrepreneurs, banking on the craziness and paranoia of the extreme right wing, put out a rival "W Ketchup"? We always wondered who was dumb enough to fall for it. Thanks to today's Sun, we know of at least one satisfied costumer. That's right, it's our old friend Alicia Colon:
At the conclusion of a column where she calls out Andrea Peyser for using the president of "an abortion mill" as an example of a good adoptive parent (contra Madonna) and offers thanks that the illegal masses teeming through our borders are it least Christians, resident Sun crank Alicia Colon finally cuts through the thicket of ethical issues surrounding abortion and adoption. Her proclamation?
Been a while since we checked in with resident Sun crazy lady Alicia Colon. What's she on about today?