An Insider's Guide to the First 20 Minutes or So of the Totally Confusing Convention Kickoff

Hamilton Nolan · 08/28/12 03:05PM

Celebration time: Day-Two-Which-Is-Actually-Day-One of the Republican Convention is now, as we speak (type), UNDERWAY in Tampa, a hot parking lot located in a swing state. We can assure you that our investigations have revealed that absolutely no one, including those in official capacities, know where the fuck they are supposed to go right now. Here are a few of the most crucial "insider" factoids that you will need to know about this vital U.S. political institution going forward:

Republican Convention, Day Two: All The Ranch Dressing Is In Place

Hamilton Nolan · 08/28/12 09:15AM

Though storms may come and mouths may run, rest assured, America: there is enough Ranch dressing in place, in easily accessed pump dispensers, to serve all of this great nation's delegates at the 2012 Republican National Convention.

Would Insane Texas Prisoner Keith Judd Make a Good Vice President?

Max Read · 05/09/12 09:30AM

Last night, Obama's main opponent in the West Virginia Democratic primary was perennial presidential candidate Keith Judd, a prisoner in Texas who describes himself as a "Rastafarian-Christian." But Judd did a little bit better than expected — to the tune of 40% of the vote. Which means it's time to start answering the question on everyone's lips: should Keith Judd be Mitt Romney's running mate?

This Has Been One 'Hard Fart Primary,' According to Rep. Eric Cantor

Emma Carmichael · 03/05/12 10:15AM

Virginia congressman Eric Cantor went on Meet the Press yesterday to endorse Mitt Romney, and he said "fart" instead of "fought." The representative has a point, of course. The GOP primary race has essentially been one giant, continuous, squelching fart joke. [Via]

Finally, a Cat is Running For Senate

Emma Carmichael · 02/27/12 12:49PM

America's screaming, LOLCat conscience has finally found a suitable outlet in Hank, a Virginia cat that is running for Senate. Hank, an independent, is running against former Virginia governors George Allen and Tim Kaine. If you're feeling inspired, you can sign up to be one of Hank's volunteer phone bankers here, and then you can seek psychological help elsewhere.