Yesterday, we told you that David Siegel, the humongously wealthy CEO who threatened to lay his workers off if Obama was reelected, did not, in fact, lay them off—he gave everyone raises. Unfortunately, not every boss is as kindly as the King of Versailles. Our call for news of Obama reelection-related layoffs brought in the following, from across the nation:
Peggy Noonan, whose uniquely airy style of kindergarten-reading-level prose works upon the political chattering classes (but no one else) like a snake charmer's flute works on a cobra, wrote one of the most vapid, scoff-worthy, fact-free columns of the pre-election news cycle, in which she predicted that Mitt Romney would win because she'd been seeing a lot of his yard signs around, lately. Well, now comes the post-election follow-up: Peggy Noonan is resigning from her job as a WSJ columnist, in acknowledgement of the unavoidable fact that she is an embarrassment to her profession.
Last month, David Siegel, the CEO of Westgate Resorts, sent his thousands of employees a very ominous letter warning them that if Barack Obama was reelected, it could "endanger your job," and that "If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, as our current President plans, I will have no choice but to reduce the size of this company." So... has everyone been fired, yet?
Below is a brief but shockingly accurate dramatic reenactment of what you will see in the video above, from last night's campaign coverage:
Many theories have already been bandied about for why Barack Obama secured his reelection last night: fundamental demographic changes in the voting base, ossified Republican proposals, the creaky inability of Mitt Romney to appear convincingly humanoid. But only one member of the pundit class has been incisive enough to peer more deeply into the true rotten, beating heart of Obama's victory: our national system of liberal zombification centers. (Colleges.)
"Three reasons Obama will win; three reasons Romney will win"—Los Angeles Times headline, which accurately describes the story below, which is simply a list of "three reasons each candidate has to expect victory." (Which of these reasons are correct is not discussed.) What else is in the paper today?
If you're the President of the United States and you've already used up all the help you can get from George Clooney, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Sarah Jessica Parker, Gwen Stefani, Anna Wintour, Lena Dunham, and Zach Galifianakis even who do you turn to in your campaign's final push? The Obama team has had some pretty lame celebrity guests during these past few days. C'mon Barry, this is go time.
Today, my fellow Americans, you get to choose between two superstar election pollsters. In one corner, we have Dean Chambers, the creator of the tin foil hat UnSkewed Polls and the laughing stock of the political media. In the other corner we have defending champion Nate Silver, the creator of the polling blog 538, which correctly predicted the popular vote split in the 2008 presidential election and was only four votes off of correctly predicting Barack Obama's number in the electoral college. Silver's track record may lead you to put your faith in him, but wait, Chambers has a compelling argument for his side: Have you ever noticed that Nate Silver is "thin and effeminate" (i.e. GAY)?
Dilbert creator Scott Adams is a rich white man who has turned his allegiance to Mitt Romney — I'll give you a moment to regain your composure. Okay. On Wednesday, Adams wrote a mildly coherent blog post explaining why he will be voting for Mitt Romney in November, one that starts with a hypothetical situation that includes the phrase, "For the record, President Obama did not technically kill anyone to get elected."
The Presidential debate is already underway in Long Island, but news is trickling in via CNN that Mitt underwent intense training—like how to sit on a barstool. Mitt is, of course, a Mormon, so his experience in bars is limited. Therefore, his bar stool training does make sense—he wouldn't want to look robotic or unnatural, after all.
Fox Nation, the delicate wordsmiths behind delicious turns of phrase like "Hip Hop BBQ," have a new creation under their belts (said belts are probably holding up Glenn Beck jeans): The conservative millennial Mark Twains have now proclaimed that Mitt Romney "smoked" Barack Obama in the coin toss for tonight's debate.
Fox News morning show Fox & Friends clearly searched high and low for a young American — any young America — who gave up on President Obama and went looking for hope and change in his Republican counterpart.
In a "public service announcement" posted on YouTube over the weekend, formerly beloved action hero Chuck Norris and his wife Gena don't mince words in their warning to evangelical Christians that allowing President Obama to be re-elected would mean certain gloom and doom of apocalyptic proportions.
Earlier today, before he took on redditors from his basement office, President Obama was delivering a speech about how young people are the future (or something) to a bunch of mildly enthused rich kids at UVA. Not everyone was pleased to hear this, though, as he was interrupted by a few hecklers in the back, chanting something inaudible. Not to worry though, the hecklers were soon drowned out by shouts of "4 more years!" from the kids in the front. "Thank you," Obama said to the hecklers and kindly asked them to back their shit up come voting season.