Stop stealing hearses—there are bodies in there.
These are the types of vehicles you should steal, if you must steal a vehicle: non-hearse cars; non-hearse trucks. These are the types of vehicles you shouldn’t: hearses. And yet, people keep stealing hearses.
Police in Atlanta, Georgia, recently arrested another hearse-stealing person because along with allegedly stealing the hearse, the person allegedly stole a corpse. Duh-doy—it was a hearse, my friend. There are dead people in those. Atlanta police Officer Ralph Woolfolk told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the hearse was taken on Sunday morning outside Grady Memorial Hospital, before it was abandoned nearby:
Woolfolk tells The Atlanta Journal-Constitution that the suspect abandoned the hearse a few blocks from Grady, then stole a Ford Explorer and drove off in that vehicle.
Now that’s more like it. Police reportedly recovered the hearse, with the body, and have a suspect in custody.
Everyone: Stop stealing hearses. Unless you want a dead body along with the car, or maybe you even want a dead body primarily. Then continue to steal hearses—my apologies.