Okay, well, now Starbucks is planning on starting a national dialogue on race that will consist of talking to your Starbucks barista, about race. What are you doing, Starbucks? What? Are? You doing?

No? No. Yes, this is a real thing reported by many of our nation's top news outlets, and here are the facts that you need to know in order to avoid experiencing what could be one of the most painfully awkward interactions of your life with a random Starbucks barista:

1. This thing is called "Race Together." What the fuck does that mean? Nothing, speaking objectively.

2. This thing is a partnership between Starbucks and USA Today, the dream team of American multiculturalism.

3. This thing, as far as we can tell, will consist of you walking into a Starbucks and ordering a coffee, and the barista surprising you by scrawling the words "RACE TOGETHER" on your coffee cup, and then, as if you had just hit some sort of awful jackpot, this Starbucks barista will somehow "engage" you in "conversation" about race in America, while you are there, at the Starbucks.

4. Jesus.

5. Why is this bizarre corporate charade, which sounds even more demeaning than McDonald's asking you to dance for your Egg McMuffin, happening at all? It is happening because weird zillionaire Starbucks CEO and woefully misguided do-gooder/ self-aggrandizer Howard Schultz has determined that the best way for him, a powerful business titan and billionaire, to affect America's race problem is by instructing his enthusiastic minions to confront startled latte buyers with provocative queries about race. Schultz views this plan as "an opportunity to begin to re-examine how we can create a more empathetic and inclusive society – one conversation at a time."

6. I assume what he meant to say was "this plan exemplifies what happens when a CEO's ego meets the most useless manifestation of 'corporate social responsibility' resulting in an inexplicable fiasco that will garner much PR for the Starbucks corporation without advancing America's incredibly complex racial problems one iota."

7. Howard Schultz should just give money to political causes to advance equality in America and not make up any more plans.

8. Denigrating a weird Starbucks Corporation plan to "talk about race" does not mean that you don't care about race issues in America any more than denigrating "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" means that you do not care about Latino issues in America.

9. Avoid Starbucks for the next few weeks probably. Go volunteer or something.

[Pic via Starbucks]