Most reasonable people take the decline of spray-on deodorant as a mark of progress. Not so the Unilever Corporation, which has plans to revive spray-on deodorant as a popular item. If you must use this hissing, scented menace, at least do it with proper courtesy.
I should be clear: there is no reason to use spray-on deodorant. I guess if you are simultaneously blind and have a traumatic brain injury that makes it impossible for you to sense when your own hand is close to your own opposing armpit, there might be an argument for it. Other than that, there is not much of one. A deodorant stick allows you to put deodorant onto the place you want to put deodorant. Spray-on deodorant allows you to produce a noxious cloud of weaponized deodorant particles, a small percentage of which will go where you want them to go. Except as a method of attack, there are no arguments that I know of in favor of spray-on deodorant.
The Wall Street Journal reports that Unilever now sees a market opportunity. They want to revive the popularity of spray-on deodorant, which accounts for only a quarter of deodorant sales in the U.S., for good reason. Their new version of spray-on is environmentally sustainable, they say. It is long lasting, they say. And, they say, after you put it on, "you can touch it and you won't be grossed out."
You won't be grossed out—probably because you are the sort of person whose sense of smell and decorum are so nonexistent that you prefer to purchase spray-on deodorant. The rest of us, on the other hand, will almost certainly still be grossed out. If we must be forced to endure another Era of Spray-On, I humbly ask that everyone agree to adhere to a few simple deodorant rules:
1. Do not use spray-on deodorant.
2. If you do use spray-on deodorant, then for god's sake, don't use it in a public place.
3. Like a gym locker room! Don't do it! You psychopath!
4. You need to stop, man.