Sometimes you fuck the bear and sometimes, well, the bear fucks you. A British man recently experienced both kinds of bear-buggery when semen he left in a teddy bear connected him to an unsolved crime.
According to the Lancashire Telegraph, 38-year-old Paul Mountain pleaded guilty to burglary with intent to steal after authorities matched his DNA with samples inside the twice-stuffed toy. Recovered from the site of the break-in, the teddy bear was found "among the wreckage" he left behind.
In his defense, Mountain says he only fucked the bear because he was crashing, like, super hard, man. According to prosecutor Dominic Howells, the burglar "told officers he was coming down off amphetamine and felt overwhelming need for sexual relief."
The defiled doll was first discovered by the owner of the property, for whom Christmas—like Mountain—came a little early this year.