At this very moment, all around New York City, grown, adult humans are gathered around empty plates, clutching morsel-less silverware and hurling epithets at a faceless brand on Twiter. The only sound: A grim busy signal pulsing through the speakerphone and the low grumble of stomachs. Eyes dart to the left, to the right, sizing up companions in terms of both strength and will to live. Tonight, is broken—and someone will have to die.

According to Twitter, if you try to order Seamless in New York right now, your credit card will be charged, your order will be confirmed, and your hopes will rise only to come crashing down once more. Because apparently, Seamless’s computers aren’t sending any outgoing orders to restaurants, meaning that when you do finally call an hour and a half later, you’ll have to place your order all over again. People are losing their minds.

People have been citing hold times of up to an hour when trying to call Seamless’s customer service line (an easy solution to which would be to hang up the phone and just wait until tomorrow, you indolent children). In the meantime, New Yorkers will have to choose whether they’d rather eat the balls of dead hair and filth hiding under their beds or cross that unforgivable line into cannibalism, forever changing who they are their very cores. There are no other options.

Stay safe tonight, kids. And a happy Purge to you all.

Contact the author at