Food energy! Fossil colors! Marine sanctuaries! Tiny snails! Quantum computers! Dead seals! And two black holes, dancing in a sexy way! It’s your Tuesday Science Watch, where we watch science—more or less!
- “Study sheds light on powerful process that turns food into energy.” Really? What kind of light? Where is this shed? And furthermore, what is this “powerful process” we hear so much about? The shoddy headline doesn’t answer these or other questions—such as, “What kind of food?” or “How much energy?”
- For the first time ever paleontologists have used a fossil to figure out the color of an extinct mammal. Imagine a guy telling you that on a first date! “Oh, well, that’s great, you must be very proud of yourself, me I just work at the grocery store, though.” Save it, pal!
- Just what we need: a huge marine sanctuary in New Zealand. Just what we need. Yeah, that’s just what we need. <———————- NOT
- Would you believe me if I told you that we just discovered a snail species that’s only one-tenth the size of a needle’s eye? How about if I told you that I just talked to your wife on the phone, and don’t worry, everything is fine, but she needs some cash fast, and she asked me to ask you to give me your credit card number so I can make wire transfer to her? Would you believe that? And what about the snail thing—believe that, also?
- Another day, another new quantum computer for the jokers at NASA. One day these guys are gonna wake up and say, “Holy cow, I can’t even get in the office door—there’s quantum computers everywhere!” Nice sympathy trolling, guys. But take it somewhere else. Plenty of people don’t even have a single quantum computer. Meanwhile you’re supposed to be looking at planets.
- Scientists say that 80 Guadalupe fur seals have died on the central California coast this year, in what they are calling an “unusual mortality event.” Remember that song “Ring the Alarm?” Now would be a good time to play it. Maybe set up a dancehall DJ on a floating platform just offshore and drop the needle on that record right as the lead scientist walks out to announce his findings. After thirty seconds or so, fade the record out, because the people have come here primarily for the science. The record is an added bonus, not the star of the show.
- One black hole isn’t even worth writing about. Two black holes? Now you’re talking—because two black holes circling each other can create ripples in space time that (who knows?) could be “surfed” upon by some type of futuristic surfer being that we can’t even comprehend with our current minds. Try that with a single black hole and you’re in for a disappointment. There’s a lot of conjecture in what I’ve just written here, but isn’t that what science is defined as—conjection?