Healthy eats! Echo ears! Thunder pictures! Alien sounds! Head-volution! Space geysers! Spider silk! And statistics that some might call stunning! It’s your Friday Science Watch, where we watch science—with X-Ray Vision!

  • Some people—neurologists who recently conducted a new study and derived from it scientific findings—say that eating a healthy “Mediterranean-style diet” can prevent cognitive decline as we age. Others, like Fred, just sit around and bark like a dog in an empty garage. Fred has a belt buckle shaped like a rooster, if that’s relevant.
  • Humans with very good high-pitch hearing are able to use echolocation to find objects, “in a similar way to bats and dolphins.” Neat trick, you monstrous Bat Boy. Step right over here and take a seat in this electric chair. Sure, it’s for an “experiment.”
  • What does thunder “look like?” Scientist now say that they can show you by producing an image of thunder’s acoustic sound waves. But they’re lying—thunder is invisible. I sincerely hope they’re all disbarred from the academy.
  • Here we go again: a NASA balloon has picked up mysterious and unexplained sounds coming from outer space. Well then, it must be aliens, mustn’t it? Must be Godzilla and Mechazilla dancing among the stars, broadcasting their mighty extraterrestrial roars for the exclusive benefit of you, someone with a Youtube account and borderline personality disorder, right? Surely this is how E.T. has chosen to reach out, and only you can offer just the right baseless and unsubstantiated wild theory about what it all means, yes? Chum for the rubes.
  • Thanks to newly discovered 500 million year-old arthropod fossils, researchers now believe that the modern head evolved when the anterior sclerite fused into a head plate in modern exoskeletal organisms. Most of us have been led to believe that our heads got strong thanks to books. Can we “get a ruling” on this, marriage ref?
  • Have a gander at this headline: “Eruptions on Saturn’s moon Enceladus could be curtains instead of geysers.” Curtains? Have I stumbled out of the scientific arena and into a home furnishing store? Does anyone here know how to do their job competently, except for me? I pray that opprobrium rains down upon these rogue men of “science” like god’s terrible judgment rained down upon the unholy Roman Empire, after all that sodomy.
  • If you’re the type of disturbed individual who gets your kicks by spraying spiders with graphene, turns out that those spiders will produce silk that is super strong. But is it strong enough to bind the hands and feet of an adult male Jiffy store clerk who should be coming out of his baseball bat-induced coma any minute now? If you could get back to me on that soon that would be great.
  • New research says Mercury’s magnetic field is four billion years old. AND?????

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