Apparently, the people of Russia are so dedicated to selfies and/or eager to welcome death that their “high-risk” selfie poses have caused injuries to hundreds and killed dozens more. Naturally, the Russian government was forced to appeal to the nations’s youth in the only way that made sense: dry, informational pamphlets.

Of course, the accompanying diagrams (to use the word generously) alone can only tell us so much. English speakers are idiots too, after all, so why keep this valuable safe-selfie information secret? We have asked our friend from the east, Russian-bred Dmitriy Kolinov to translate the pamphlets’ hidden wisdom.

Let’s review some key points:

Can I take selfies in the middle of the street? Russia says “No.” We would like to add, “Don’t stand in the middle of the street in Russia.”

Selfies on train tracks?: Definitely not—if you love your life. Already dead on the inside? Less clear.

Selfies with wild animals?: No! Whether or not it will kill you remains ambiguous, but it will definitely not always turn out cute. In which case, you’re better off dead.

Ok, but are selfies with guns dangerous?: Yes. This is the only one that Russia confirms, yes, will definitely kill you.

What if I’m off the train tracks—but on the train’s roof?: “Another bad idea.”

Voltage selfie?: No! Additionally, voltage anything: No.

And how about a selfie while falling down a cliff?: It’s up to you, says Russia. We say, “Don’t fall down cliffs.”

This has been a Russian selfie safety report.

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