Behind the wealthy and famous people who appear to control global socioeconomic forces, there’s a secretive power elite hiding in the shadows, pulling the strings, and eating free food at McDonald’s. Last night, actor Rob Lowe publicly revealed himself as one of them.
Lowe is one of the few owners of a rare McDonald’s McGold Card, entitling him to free garbage food at the garbage chain (Santa Barbara and Goleta locations only). Doesn’t sound like much power, you say? Clearly, you don’t know how this illuminati thing works. There’s all-day breakfast now. And they’re going to start serving mozzarella sticks. Wake up, sheeple!
Lowe acquired his card from a friend’s dad, who invented the Egg McMuffin and Ronald McDonald—a world-historical concentration of power and influence in one individual.
Other members of the Gold Card McLuminati include Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, men whose wealth is clearly just a facade that disguises their true power: never having to pay for a Quarter Pounder.
Willard “Mitt” Romney, forgotten presidential candidate, attempted to seize the White House in 2012 on the strength of his father’s vintage Free McDonald’s for Life card, but fell short. From this, we can only infer that illuminati membership is non-transferable and must be earned.
It’s not clear how the organization that secretly orchestrates all global affairs will retaliate against Lowe for revealing its secrets. No doubt it will be swift, it will be brutal, and it will be after lunch.