The World Health Organization has given vegetarians all of the ammo we need to win every argument from now on about nasty meat—which gives you cancer.

That’s right—it gives you cancer. Don’t take my word for it, as a vegetarian, just because I’ve been telling you this is probably true for so long, during earnest, unwanted, and often hypocritical harangues delivered over the dinner table. Would you accept the word of the very prestigious World Health Organization? Is that organization credible enough for you, you meat eating murderer who will probably, though of course I hope not, die of cancer?

The big story today: the International Agency for Research of Cancer, after a study of scientific literature by a panel of experts, now says that processed meat—“meat that has been salted, cured, fermented, smoked,” or otherwise preserved or flavored—is officially a carcinogen, “based on sufficient evidence in humans that the consumption of processed meat causes colorectal cancer.” Furthermore, all red meat has been classified as “probably carcinogenic,” meaning that there is a notable but somewhat less definitive level of evidence that killing and eating poor Bessie the cow—who was very friendly and loving—will scientifically affect your karma and result in you dying from a horrible disease, as Bessie would have wanted.

Please allow me to quote this fact to you as you consume your morning bacon, egg, and cheese: “Experts concluded that each 50 gram portion of processed meat eaten daily increases the risk of colorectal cancer by 18%.”

Do you feel lucky? Yeah, you must feel lucky.

Globally, the estimate for cancer deaths attributable to eating red meat are just a fraction of, for example, deaths from smoking. The mere fact that you consume processed meat is, of course, no guarantee that you will get cancer, nor is it a guarantee that you will ever suffer the karmic retribution that we all so richly deserve from our years of massacring animals. Still, the experts have spoken. Meat= cancer. How does that taste? Cancer-y? Yeah, I bet it tastes like smoky, meaty cancer. Enjoy that.

Bessie is looking down from above with an evil smile.

[Photo: Flickr]