Remember 2012? Love was in the air, and the sense that our country and the world were hurtling toward some irreversible catastrophe was not—not yet, anyway. But disaster was on the horizon for at least two people in America, and there was no closer observer of their decline than future GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump.
I’m talking, of course, about KPatz, RStew, Kristert, Robsten, Pattinwart Stewinson: America’s bloodsucking sweethearts, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Back when Trump was just a humble necktie salesman from New York, his Twitter account documented an obsession with the Twilight stars’ star-crossed romance. If you recall, Stewart got caught getting all kissy with film director Rupert Sanders, and Pattinson dumped her, and then they got back together, and then they broke up again.
If you’re the type of idiot who spends multiple hours a day refreshing your timeline, you already know the special joys of seeing one of Trump’s Stewart/Pattinson missives retweeted in. It’s a welcome break from more current, less whimsical news about the candidate, and it reveals that below the layers of hatred and aggression, he’s really just—well, I’m sure it reveals something about him, but I still haven’t figured out what. If you haven’t seen them, I’m going to tell you what everyone told me before I finally watched The Wire a decade after it aired: I’m almost jealous of you, because you get to experience this incredible journey for the first time. It’ll never be this good again.
Now, I present to you, unedited and in chronological order: the collected Donald Trump tweets about Kristen Steward and Robert Pattinson.
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again--just watch. He can do much better!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 17, 2012
Lots of response to my Pattinson/Kristen Stewart reunion. She will cheat again--100 certain--am I ever wrong?— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 18, 2012
Robert I'm getting a lot of heat for saying you should dump Kristen- but I'm right. If you saw the Miss Universe girls you would reconsider.— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 18, 2012
So many tweets & stories on Stewart/Pattinson Look, it doesn't matter-- the relationship will never be the same. It is permanently broken.— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 19, 2012
Everyone knows I am right that Robert Pattinson should dump Kristen Stewart. In a couple of years, he will thank me. Be smart, Robert.— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 22, 2012
Everyone is asking me to speak more on Robert & Kristen.I don't have time except to say "Robert, drop her, she cheated on you & will again!"— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 23, 2012
Robert Pattinson is putting on a good face for the release of Twilight. He took my advice on Kristen Stewart...I hope!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 9, 2012
Everybody wants me to talk about Robert Pattinson and not Brian Williams—I guess people just don’t care about Brian!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 9, 2012
After Friday’s Twilight release, I hope Robert Pattinson will not be seen in public with Kristen--she will cheat on him again!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 13, 2012
This has been the collected Donald Trump tweets about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. What a wonderful story. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day.