A new national survey from Public Policy Polling has revealed some startling truths about the American public. Specifically, the fact that 5 percent of voters believe that Harambe, the dead ape widely understood to be in Ape Hell, is the best possible candidate for President of the United States.
For those who might have forgotten, Harambe was assassinated by the Cincinnati Zoo back in May after dragging around a four-year-old who had fallen into his enclosure. And now, a not-insignificant number of voters want to hand over the nuclear codes to Harambe (who is in Hell where he belongs).
Interestingly enough, when Harambe isn’t on the ticket, there’s a higher percentage of undecided voters than when he is.
While things are looking up for Harambe, the poll doesn’t have lot of good news for Putin pal Donald Trump. Potential voters, by a margin of nearly 50 percent, said that they’re less likely to vote for a candidate if they believe Russia wants them to win.
Trump’s got problems at home, too. Sixty-two percent of voters think that Trump “should release his tax returns.” (Good luck with that.) And a whopping 51 percent do not believe that Donald Trump can be trusted with any sort of classified information on national security.
Of course, Hillary’s got her own problems to deal with.
While 18 percent of voters that think Hillary Clinton definitely has ties to Lucifer, 36 percent of total voters and 74 percent of Trump voters believe that she should be put in prison. Still, and for reasons I can’t entirely articulate, none of that is quite as troubling as the 21 percent of voters who are still unsure whether or not Hillary is directly connected to Satan, Prince of Darkness.