Remember that cute lil’ pizza rat whose hungry struggle charmed the nation, launching a thousand sexy Halloween costumes and “it me” tweets? Well, get ready for pigeon rat, the rat video New York City truly deserves.

Because, guess what? New York City rats are disgusting as hell. They aren’t, as pizza rat might have you believe, adorable vegetarians looking for a late-night slice. No. They’re fat, mutated little fuckers with sharp teeth and a bad attitude. And no animal—not even the winged rats of the sky we refer to as pigeons—is safe.

For one day the seas will rise and the coasts will tumble and take us with them, and New York will cease to exist as we know it. And then even the roaches will flee, trembling before the awesome repulsiveness of the city rat—and goddamned if they don’t know it.

New York eats its young—rats eat everything.

Contact the author at