If you’ve ever been to Chicago, chances are you’ve been dragged to a “local joint” to get that “famous Chicago pizza.” Here is the thing though: Chicago pizza actually sucks and is bad.

I’ve lived in Lincoln Park for 10 months now, and as a local, I’ve found that most people are disingenuous when it comes to ordering pizza.

Of course, they won’t hesitate to tell tourists all the places they “need” to try:

Giordanos is so good.

Lou Malnati’s is for true Chicagoans.

Pequod’s is the best pizza in town.

And yet, when it comes to ordering pizza themselves, they get the same thing every time: A half-cheese, half pepperoni medium pie from the Papa John’s on Clark and Drummond just north of Wrightwood Ave.

Chicagoans want to seem interesting and informed when talking about pizza. They want to prove to friends back home that eating deep dish pizza somehow makes them cultured. But as soon as they’re alone, they dial (773) 281-7272 and order a Papa John’s pizza made with only the freshest ingredients.

And that’s because Papa John’s is the best pizza in Chicago.

Deep dish pizza makers are cowards who hide their ingredients under tomato sauce – a pizza paywall. The brave and noble Papa John does not hide his toppings from you, the consumer. He leaves them out in the open for only God to judge. Only the famous cat, Garfield, with his love for the thick layered pasta dish called “lasagna,” could truly get behind such a pizza cat-astrophe as deep dish.

So come to Chicago, take a photo at the bean and ride your bike up and down Lake Shore Dr. But when it comes to pizza, stick with what you know. Stick to Papa John’s.

“Curry shoff” is a guy who emailed tips earlier today asking if he could write about why Papa John’s is the best pizza in Chicago. We said yes.