A Potsdam, New York, man was arrested Wednesday and charged with public lewdness for allegedly rubbing a grocery store's packaged pepperoni stick on his exposed penis and then putting it back on the shelf.
John Allison, 41, had a sudden late-night craving for fondling cured meat, so he drove to the Hannaford in Massena and proceeded to do his thing.
Unfortunately for Allison, a loss prevention security officer was observing his shenanigans on closed-circuit TV and got the entire thing on tape.
Sadly, the footage has not been released for public amusement.
In addition to the lewdness charge, Allison was also booked on a count of fourth-degree criminal mischief because the store had to dispose of the pepperoni for some reason.
Allison was released from St. Lawrence County jail after posting a $2,000 bond.
[H/T: Fark, photo via Shutterstock, mug shot via WNYF]