You Know What, I Think Brian Laundrie Is Dead

Call off your goons, Dog

florida, man

I want to believe. We, as a nation indivisible under FBI agents who keep giving interviews to The Post, want to believe. But guys? I think Brian Laundrie, accused of killing his girlfriend Gabby Petito last month, is probably dead.

It pains me to say it because I too like to spend long evenings that crest into early mornings on TikTok and Reddit, trying to solve crimes for free. But sometimes, the simplest answer is the most often correct. An ancient philosopher-poet named Harry’s Razors once said, I believe.

I don’t think Laundrie is “being taken care of” by a loving associate, harbored in a “comfort zone” anywhere.

I don’t think this is Laundrie’s hand grasping for his mother’s from a bunker beneath her home garden in Florida.

I don’t think Laundrie is successfully dodging Dog the Bounty Hunter’s ace “Florida Team” in a wildlife preserve in Sarasota.

Dog, in an interview to The Sun, said, “A couple of the books that he’s been reading are 10 times worse than ‘Dungeon and Dragons.’ This kid, Brian, has taken those books obviously to heart. And this is what happens when your kid is looking at those kinds of things.”

I don’t think any of that is true either. I don’t think he’s taking anything to heart. He’s been missing for an entire month. And I don’t think he was eaten by a crocodile or coyote in there. I think, possibly, understanding the enormity of his alleged actions, he walked into a State Park and didn’t come back on purpose.

I’m sorry to ruin everyone’s fun. Have you considered listening to a podcast?