This 18-Year-Old Will Definitely Jack Off In Space

Houston, we have cum.

To Infinity And Beyond

I am so sorry to tell you this. I really am. I hate to break this news to you. But there is an 18-year-old joining Jeff Bezos on his journey to space on July 20, and that 18-year-old is definitely going to jerk off as he floats alongside the richest man in history.

Dutch teenager Oliver Daemen will be the youngest person to ever go to space when he joins Bezos’s pleasure cruise. Originally slated to join the second mission, Daemen was bumped up when a mystery guest who paid $28 million had to tap out due to “scheduling conflicts.” I wish this were a blog about what kind of scheduling conflict could get in the way of going to space, but that’s not why we’re here.

Daemen is going to choke the chicken as he takes in the once-in-a-lifetime experience of seeing Earth from above. He’ll be jackin’ the beanstalk while Jeff Bezos realizes his childhood dream. Everyone around him will be contemplating how it feels to be so small in a universe so incomprehensibly huge, and Oliver will be engaged in hand-to-gland combat.

Literally what else would a teenager want to do in space? Science? They’re only going to be up there for 11 minutes! There are no experiments to be done in that amount of time, unless the experiment is: Can I rub one out amongst the stars?

We actually already have an answer to this, as Vice reported in 2020. While American astronauts remain mum about whether or not they’re getting hairy palms in the great beyond, several Russian cosmonauts have talked freely about what we already knew–they are definitely jerking off in space. Spasibo for your candor, comrades.

And good luck, young Oliver. You are going to go down in history, don’t forget to bring a tissue.