Hawaii keeps saying, “Please stop coming here” and the vacation-loving folks of suburban Chicagoland, not used to being singled out directly like this, are saying “Wait, what, me?” I can say that because I am one of them.
Consider 24-year-old Oak Lawn resident Chloe Mrozak, who submitted a fake vaccine card to Hawaiian authorities so that she could bypass a mandatory 10-day quarantine for the unvaccinated while on vacation. She is wearing a halter-top bikini under a T-shirt in her mugshot.
Mrozak, who I did not go to high school with but could’ve, uploaded proof in which she claimed to get the “Maderna” vaccine to Hawaii’s Safe Travels Program. The fake CDC card also listed a vaccination site in Delaware which had no proof of Mrozak’s vaccination. Authorities tracked down Mrozak, who I don’t think is a paternal cousin of mine but might be, at Daniel K. Inouye international airport on Saturday. Her bail is set at $2,000.
Only one thing left to do: make a few calls to your buddy’s Uncle Tim, a lawyer who deals with this sort of shit all the time, get Portillo’s catering, pick the pasta out of the chopped salad and only eat that, throw a party, and raise bail money via a GoFundMe laden with almost accurate jargon about the First Amendment to get Chloe, who I think seems like a really fun girl, home to Illinois.