Day 503 of the pandemic, and it’s time to stuff the cat back into the bag. Lead the horse back into the barn. Adjust public health hypotheses as new empirical evidence comes to light, just like the scientific method dictates. These are all my impressions of the Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), which today is expected to issue new COVID-19 mask recommendations, the latest in their year and a half of flip-flopping take-backsies.
Can you guess what the new guidance is, based on what we know of our friend the tease, Ms. CDC?
The CDC recommends you wear your mask inside-out to give the other side of it a chance to breathe.
The CDC recommends you wear your mask hot-dog style instead of hamburger style, securing one strap under your sculpted chin and the other to the horn growing from the crown of your head.
The CDC recommends you wear your mask like sunglasses to block the haters (infectious droplets).
The CDC recommends you wear your mask exclusively outside to better facilitate our new version of the farmer’s tan, hereby dubbed the saint’s tan.
The CDC recommends you wear your mask indoors in areas of the country with high COVID-19 transmission, even if you’re vaccinated, reversing two-month-old guidance permitting most people who have been fully vaxxed to go maskless indoors.
Come on, any takers?
You got it! Time to mask up again, cucks!