The date on your calendar is not deceiving you: it is indeed two. It’s several twos, in fact: 2-22-22. While recounting a completely unrelated joke, Mitch Hedberg once said “just press two for a while,” and it has never been truer, or two-er, than it is today, or two-day. But what does 2-22-22 mean, and how do you celebrate it? Several outlets are wondering, and now so are you. Is today’s date connected to “these higher esoteric metaphysical frequencies that align us,” as celebrity astrologer Aliza Kelly told the Washington Post? Should you drop everything and get married in Vegas before the sun sets, as CNN seems to suggest? Not to worry; we have all the answers you need right here.
What is 2-22-22?
2-22-22, also known as Twosday, has traditionally been feared as the date the integer two would be granted corporeal form. While there is no evidence two would be a malicious figure if given flesh, many worry its diminutive position in the numerical order has resulted in built-up resentment within two that could become cataclysmic under the right circumstances. Not all believe this, however. Some think the assumption that two resents its so-called “diminutive position” is projection on the part of the afeared, and that there is no reason to believe two is not proud of its work, even though it may be “less” than the work of five or seven. “There are no small numbers,” these people say, “just small amounts of things.”
Who should be worried?
First we must be clear that it is possible two will be friendly, if two is given mortal form at all. But those who believe two will descend upon humanity with malice oozing from its every point and curve and hateful bile dripping from its gaping hook say that most of those over the age of two are at risk, save for those with two in their age (52-year-olds, etc.), identical or fraternal twins, and Taylor Swift (“22”).
How do you stay safe against two?
There are, if you can believe it, two schools of thought about this. One is to relieve your home of anything that comes in a pair of two, as two might see “pairs” as mocking. Salt and pepper shakers, shoes, guinea pigs, parents, etc. This doesn’t necessarily mean you need to get rid of your pairs of things; you might also opt to add a third shoe (and so on).
The other school of thought believes two will feel belittled seeing anything larger than a pair of two. A set of five forks, for example, or a throuple. Again you might add or subtract here to make two (or one), but we warn against attempting to trick two by separating your forks, etc., into “pairs” of two. This may only serve to anger two.
How will we know two when we see it?
It is unfortunately unclear how two will manifest, though it is unlikely that it will be as any sort of “two” symbol that has been bestowed upon it by man.
Is there a way to celebrate Twosday?
Yes. Those who believe two will come in peace (or not come at all) celebrate by creating twos out of papier-mâché, anointing them with a drop of blood, and burning them over a ceremonial flame.
Are there any sales?
Yes! Burger King Royal Perks members can get 22% off of any purchase of $2 or more, and Chili’s is offering $3 House Margaritas.*
*This is due to National Margarita Day falling on Twosday; purchase at your own risk.