Very sad Princess Charlene of Monaco and her husband, very pasty Prince Albert II, have borne the world a gift: a pair of royal Monagesque twins. The Baby Name Critic is not sure how Prince Albert impregnated Princess Charlene, since it appears physical copulation is not an option for the two. But she will not dwell on such a matter on this joyous occasion.
What is Monaco? No one knows. A useless place for docking a yacht. It appears that show horses outnumber people there, and also that the people resemble show horses (this is not an insult! They are very strong-looking and pretty). Nevertheless, the country is very excited about the arrival of the baby twins. It is like their O.J. Simpson trial. Typically, when a royal baby is born in Monaco, 21 cannon blasts are sounded off, but since Charlene had twins, she got 42 fucking cannon blasts. These babies are on blast.
Onto their names: Gabriella Therese Marie and Jacques Honore Ranier. Eh. I don't know. You live in Monaco. More fun could have been had with these names. The boy could have been named Casino Racetrack Ranier, to promote local business. And the girl could have been named Grace Kelly Get Me Out Of Here. A missed opportunity, if I do say so.
This has been Baby Name Critic.
[Photo via AP]