Mike Huckabee—former governor, current TV gadfly, lifelong Jim Nabors doppelganger—wants you to know Republicans have no war on women. If anything, it's liberals who hate the foxes, with their free love and free birth control and something called "Uncle Sugar."

At a Republican National Committee luncheon Thursday, an aw-shucks Huck told his compatriots to buck up, chuck:

Republicans don't have a war on women... We're having a war for women. To empower them to be something other than victims of their gender.

If the Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for birth control, because they cannot control their libido or their reproductive system without the help of the government, then so be it... Let us take that discussion all across America, because women are far more than the Democrats have played them to be.

Don't be a victim of your gender, ladies! By which I think Huck means: Don't be slaves to your uteri! Stop all this fornicating and reproducicating. Actually, wait, don't stop reproducicating. Keep punching out the babies on every rare occasion that you have contraception-free manseed-receiving missionary sex with that special God-chosen mate, who can worship you for all that you are, as you nurse and baby-bounce and clean up the messes. You feel that? That's you living up to your potential. Screw Uncle Sugar and his nectary socialism! All you need for self-actualization are Cousin Gospel, Nephew Bassinet, and Grandpa Bathtub Gin. Vote Republican!

[Photo credit: AP]