The streaming wars continue to wreak havoc throughout this beautiful nation of ours. Just about every media company has added a plus to its name and makes you pay $5 a month so you can lull yourself to sleep with the gentle drone of House Hunters: Panic Rooms in the background. But for far too long these streamers have been run by Hollywood’s liberal elite, allowing them to brainwash millions with shows like The Handmaid’s Tale and The Floor is Lava.
No more. According to Daily Beast reporter Will Sommer, a new Gen Z Republican streaming service is on the way from Today Is America. Once again, that is Today Is America. TIA is a fake-sounding conservative organization that sells shirts reading “Baby Lives Matter” and other apparel that could make you believe it’s one big joke.
Shockingly, after scanning the TIA Instagram page, it does seem like a real organization aiming to create content for young people who think the Capitol rioters did nothing wrong. It also seems to be coming to us live from the future, specifically 2023, something my triggered lib brain cannot even begin to comprehend:
Either way, until I see it with my own eyes, I refuse to believe a show called “Morgonn’s Minute” is real, even if Morgonn herself is. Using the screenshots provided by Sommer, here are all the Today Is America shows, ranked by how fake they seem.
Of all of these shows, this one seems the most real. Hosted by Gunnar Thorderson, it has to be a show where he just yells about how immigrants are ruining this country, how much he loves his wife, and refusing to vaccinate his children. The title Firefight pulls off one of the oldest tricks in the book, in which a repugnant conservative takes something cool sounding and makes it godawful (see also: Grand Wizard).
7. Cup of Joe
This one advertises itself as “politically right, not correct.” Very edgy. I assume the weaselly man in the promo image is named Joe, or else this would be kind of a stupid name for a show. I wouldn’t know though, because they don’t put his full name anywhere on the poster. I imagine this is some kind of Ben Shapiro-esque deal where this freaky-looking dude goes all the way off about why abortion is cancel culture. Classic conservative content, and probably real.
6. What’s Your Point?
Every conservative network needs a show where a blonde woman asks some questions. This blonde woman is named Kaylee Campbell and according to the title, she’s sassy. She’s gonna invite well-meaning liberal dummies onto her show and make them go viral for their inability to keep up with whatever straw man argument she’s putting up against them.
5. Going Through It With Galen & Joie
Okay here is where we start getting into “This might be fake” territory. I’ve heard of one blonde woman hosting a show with a cheeky title, but two? Even Call Her Daddy had a brunette. Unlike Kaylee, I bet these girls are going to talk about how hard it is to be a young, hot Republican woman, and how no one on Bumble wants to date a conservative. Yeah, I decided that based on the fact that they have a swirly pink background — women on the left can be sexist too.
4. American Mavericks
Allegedly hosted by two guys named “Lance Johnson” and “Dom Fernando,” this one, like all of them, is probably just a couple of dudes shooting the shit and espousing their hot takes. But look at these two guys. You want me to believe these two guys are friends? Sure, they might just be coworkers, but Johnson has the lacrosse player haircut and is wearing a bowtie, and Fernando has a curly mullet and an earring. What is this, The Breakfast Club? Unless the point of the show is that they try to overcome their differences through the unifying power of racism, I don’t believe it’s real.
3. Morgonn’s Minute
From the people who brought you Lil Miquela, here is… Morgonn. For my own sanity, I refuse to believe that I live in a world where someone gave birth to a human child and named her “Morgonn.” I do love that the tagline is “Things to know in a minute or less.” Is it fun facts? Is it trivia? All of those are technically things, so if this fake show actually exists I will be tuning in every morning for 57 seconds of Morgonn explaining that a grizzly bear’s bite can crush a bowling ball.
2. Basic Facts Matter
A rookie would have put this at number one, but I am no rookie. While it does seem incredibly fake, anyone worth their salt knows that there’s a lot of cash to be made in being a race traitor. I myself have often wondered whether or not I could pull it off, or if the pain of my family completely cutting me off wouldn’t be worth the check. Where this show starts to lose me is with its title. I feel like it veers too far away from its origin. Maybe “Black Minds Matter” or “Smart Lives Matter” would have convinced me, or maybe the people who greenlit this are just idiots. Also I would be remiss to not mention that this is hosted by a man named Xavier Durousseau, which might sound fake but only if you don’t know anyone from Louisiana.
1. LEANRIGHT With Blake Kresses
The dark horse fakest show emerges. Every aspect of this is setting off an alarm. The man in the picture, “Blake,” looks like a stock image (look how they’ve removed the bottom half of his body). The university classroom and the invocation of iMessage tells me that this show is probably about college kids getting cancelled? I guess? That seems like a conversation that could be handled by Dom Fernando or Morgonn, two definitely real people who I totally believe exist and have real opinions about things.