On the second day of the Conservative Political Action Conference in Orlando, Blexit-founder and short-lived talk show host Candace Owens took the stage to discuss a vital issue facing millennial conservatives today: how male bears kill and sometimes eat their young so they can force their nursing wives to have sex with them again.
Owens was there to host a panel called “Pupil Propoganda” [sic] — marking her fifth year speaking at CPAC. So before she got to the bears, she took some time to reminisce. “Everytime I hit the stage it feels like there has been a lifetime of change that has transpired since the last time I was here,” Owens said, “and I suppose that is very much the nature of politics — and — of life.”
Over those five CPACs, she explained, Owens had grown and changed so much, and the crowd had been with her on that journey. Some of us had met her as “an on-campus activist,” some knew her as “a published author;” definitely all knew her as “a public speaker,” and she imagined a lot of the audience found her through her “personal organization Blexit.” The media might paint her as a “Black white supremacist,” she said, but she isn’t! She was actually something else: a mother, with a child at home and one on the way.
It was perhaps that latest entry on her resume that brought Owens to the poignant subject of bears. She launched into a story she’d heard five years ago that shocked her. “In the wild, far from the flowery depictions that you see from PETA — where all the animals are loving each other and hugging all the time and the only thing that happens bad in the wild happened because of awful human beings — in the wild, male bears actually kill their cubs.” That’s why hunters, she explained, will sometimes seek out male bears as a means of preserving the bear population. If you’re not following this, don’t worry:
“Let me explain that,” Owens said, “because it’s a weird thing to comprehend — that male bears are not only committing infanticide, but they’re also committing cannibalism sometimes. They actually will eat their cubs.”
So, now I have some questions. Candace did too: “So the question is: why?” Great question. Here’s her answer:
Well, similar to the human species, when female bears give birth and are nursing their cubs, they cannot go into heat. But — and this is what the papa bears have worked out — if the nursing mother loses her cubs, the lactation will stop and once again become receptive to breeding. So bears are killing their cubs for sex basically, is what it comes down to. Savage to say the least.
Absolutely. So why was she talking about bear infanticide and occasional cannibalism? There’s more about bears:
But there’s something else that I’m getting at and there's something amazing about this story that I learned. It’s that when the male bear does attack, the mama bear fights back with everything in her to protect her offspring. Most times that is a fight to the death. That is actually where the true concept of “mama bear” — which we all use colloquially today — it comes from that concept of them fighting to the death for their cubs. As a result, those of you who live near wildlife will know this, when you see a bear cub anywhere, no matter how cute and cuddly it looks, you do not go near it, right? Because you know somewhere nearby mother bear is lurking and she will take no prisoners.
I’m following, I’m following — the father bears will kill and occasionally eat their cubs, so that their bear wives will stop lactating and have sex with them, but also the mother bears will fight them to the death, which is why we have the term “mama bear,” which we all use often today. I trust Candace, so I’m sure this is going somewhere. It’s going here:
Now, I share this with you because lately I’ve been left wondering what our human world would look like if we all took inspiration from such a notion.
If there’s one thing CPAC stands for, it’s traditional family values. And that means sometimes dads must kill, and occasionally eat, their kids, so their wives will stop lactating and have sex with them, triggering a fight to the death and coining a handy neologism we all use colloquially today. Roger that.