"Don't blame me," most people say. "I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut." If you were a squirrel trying to get a nut, why not go for the Cadillac of nuts? The macadamia nut. It comes from Hawai'i.

In a land of islands and trees grows a nut so tasty they had to give it a name that sounds like the name of real nice car you might buy if you were well off. "Hello sir, are you driving a Cadillac Macadamia? Such nice walnut paneling on the interiors."

That's where you're wrong— it's macadamia nut paneling.

Macadamia nuts are pretty and smooth on the outside, unlike some other nuts, which will not be named here, which, let's face it, look like brains. I don't know about you but I don't like eating brains. Nuts, yes; brains, no. Nuts that look like brains? How about we just eat macadamia nuts, and we don't have to address these... uncomfortable issues? Stop beating around the bush and let's talk about taste. Imagine one of each kind of nut, laid out on a table. And you're eating each nut, one by one. All the way down the line, starting with the worst-tasting nut (poop nut) and working your way up. Nut after nut after nut. And you get to the very end— the very pinnacle, of nuts— and what nut do you see? The macadamia nut. It tastes the best. If you envisioned a different kind of nut being the nut at the end of that line, as the best tasting nut, I'm sorry, but you're wrong. It's the macadamia nut.

Some people thought this series of nut rankings should end with some sort of "surprise." Or some sort of "clever wordplay." Or even with some sort of "off-color" joke of the sort that I refuse to dignify with further discussion. Those people miss the point. This isn't about a "surprise." This isn't about "showing off" and being clever. This is about ranking nuts, in order of taste. The macadamia nut tastes the best. Therefore we have ranked it first.

From Hawai'i to Mesopotamia

It seems we're consumed with a mania

What flavor is making us zany, huh?

The sweet meat of yon macadamias.

From Honolulu to Albania

We're craving a smoother, non-grainier

Taste that's... abrasive? Outrageous, sir.

Give me all your macadamias.

From Waikiki to Romania

They're driving them ladies so crazy, bruh

The favoritest dating icebreaker, duh?

A bowl of untouched macadamias.

From Mauna Loa to Tasmania

We'll steal them away from a baby, sure.

The victims on the Lusitania

Died happy, dreaming: macadamia.


Pistachios Are the Fifth-Best Nut

Almonds Are the Fourth-Best Nut

Pecans Are the Third-Best Nut

Cashews Are the Second-Best Nut

[Photo: Jessica Merz/ Flickr]