Pope Francis longs for many things in life, surely: World peace, the Parousia, the latitude to say that women can be priests...you know, stuff like that. The one thing he wants for himself? Pasta. And now Vatican doctors are telling him he can’t have it, because he’s gained a little weight since moving to Italy.

I know. I didn’t know it was legal to be a huge B. to the Pope, either.

The Telegraph reports:

The 78-year-old Argentinian pontiff has appeared noticeably more upholstered during public appearances over the last few months, with doctors ascribing the weight gain to too much spaghetti and ravioli and not enough exercise.

Vatican doctors told Ansa, Italy’s national news agency, that the Pope needs to adopt a more “disciplined” regimen in order to try to combat the stress and strain that he is under as the leader of the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics.

They have advised him to eat pasta no more than two times a week.

No more than two times a week! Is this a joke? Perhaps someone should remind these “doctors” that the Pope lives in Rome, where the only thing you can buy is little raviolis (I imagine). What’s he going to eat? Dirt?

Telling a 78-year-old man who has himself admitted that he thinks he might die soon to go on a diet is rude. The Pope is not going on spring break. He does not need to acquire a “bikini body.”

Furthermore, by making the Pope the Pope, we have already removed him from his first love: Pizza. In an interview earlier this month, the Pope said sadly, “The only thing I would like is to go out one day, without being recognized, and go to a pizzeria for a pizza.” The situation is so dire now that devoted Catholics are trying to sneak him pizzas on the Popemobile.

This is insane. Jesus would want us to have a happy pope, I think. And in this case, a happy pope is a pope who can eat carbs without being subject to insensitive comments.

Your Holiness, I think you look great. Please eat as much ravioli as you want.

Photo via Getty. Contact the author at allie@gawker.com.