The Baby Name Critic had not yet been called to service when Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, a couple claiming to be Hollywood talents, gave life to their firstborn, a girl child unfortunately named Lincoln. If the Baby Name Critic had been writing for hire then, she might have said: Do not name your daughter after a geriatric brand of automobile/the 16th male president. Really, must we burden our young women by giving them both the first names and the surnames of men? A better solution for parents interested in honoring Lincoln's values, but also bolstering the feminist cause, would be to name your daughter after a strong woman of the Civil War era: Harriet (Tubman or Beecher Stowe!). Clara. Lucretia. All stunning names.

Anyway. That could have been a great column, but little Lincoln Shepard's fate is already sealed, alas. Perhaps the Bell-Shepards felt my thought vibrations—the wires have informed me that Kristen and Dax (still processing what, exactly, a Dax is) have had another girl, this one given an unambiguously feminine name: Delta.

And so the pendulum swings. There is a certain hilarity in having children named Lincoln and Delta. It's like naming your children Union and Confederacy. Union is cerebral, studious, and sexually confused. Confederacy is drunk.

Whatever is happening in the Bell-Shepard household, I feel it cannot be good for the country.

This has been Baby Name Critic.

Leah Finnegan is Gawker's Baby Name Critic.

[Pic via Getty]