Kids these days are straight up zooted and bouncing off the emergency room walls, thanks to copious supplies of Adderrall and Ritalin and all the other ADHD drugs that they got from you. (They learned it by watching you, okay?) If we'd simply been giving our kids Vivarin this whole time, none of this would have happened.

Between 2005 and 2011, the number of emergency room visits by 18-34-year-olds due to prescription and non-prescription stimulant overdoses almost quadrupled, from 5,600 to nearly 23,000. The majority were due to ADHD drugs, often combined with booze. Who the hell is overdosing on snorted Adderrall and Popov vodka, for chrissake?

The kids.

The kids, to whom you gave bottle after bottle of powerful prescription stimulant, in the fantasy expectation that they would take these powerful drugs according to the directions on the label. The kids, who you hoped to pacify pharmaceutically. The kids, who you tried to sap of youthful free-form energy by giving them a pill that would channel that energy directly into schoolwork and chores and accomplishments, rather into writing on walls and breaking things and asking, "Daddy, what is pornography? PORNOGRAPHHHHHYYYYYYYY!!!!" The kids, who were too loud. So loud that you made a deal with the devil— the devil called Adderrall, and Ritalin, and Vyvanse, bargaining that you could just keep them from wilding out, and maybe the side effects of access to these powerful stimulants would not come back to bite us all on the ass. Hoping that they would not crush them up and snort them and guzzle booze and end up in the emergency room one night. Well, they did. I hope it was worth it.

Should have just tried giving your preschoolers Red Bull because the report indicates that energy drinks were only responsible for a very small portion of emergency room visits. Would Red Bull instead of Ritalin have "done the trick," for your child? I guess we'll never know. You are a bad parent for not giving your children Red Bull.

[SAMHSA via the New York Times. Photo: Flickr]