In advance of the royal birth, Britain's Tatler magazine (think Gossip Girl, on paper, for rich British people) has published an earth-shattering profile of Kate Middleton’s mother, Carole, in which it is revealed that her children were VERY WELL BROUGHT UP and had FINE MANNERS.

For instance, as teenagers, Pippa and Kate were dressed presentably…TO THE POINT OF INSANITY.

"Every pristine item of their clothing would have a beautifully sewn-in name tape, for instance.”

The devilish spinster spinning these vicious yarns is the mother of one of Kate’s old classmates at Marlborough College, the tuition of which runs to nearly $50,000 per year ($46,000 with Marlboro Miles).

The mother, who has chosen to remain anonymous because some of the truth bombs she’s lobbing hit hard—“It was unthinkable that they would resort to a marker pen on labels,” she adds, in her meditation on labels sewn inside Kate Middleton’s clothing almost twenty years ago that she...saw somehow—describes the experience of sending one’s own sperm-and-egg omeletmonster of a child to school alongside human diamonds Kate and Pippa Middleton as “galling.”


A true test of a mother's strength.

"[The girls had] the smartest tennis rackets, that kind of thing."

The sleepiest bookbags. The most charming rulers. That kind of thing.

But if you thought the “~* K A T I E M. *~” label sewn onto Kate Middleton’s crewneck sweatshirt was intimidating, buckle up quick before you hear tell of the “huge” picnics the Middleton children would throw in celebration of sport.

“There were huge picnics at sports day.”

Flashy finger food bacchanals. Potato salad for days. Two kinds of potato chips (plain/barbecue). A giant pancake that covered the school.

“Pancakes aren’t even a picnic food,” the less impressive students would grumble as they sat down to their own meager picnics at the edge of the staff parking lot, barely enough picknickins to go around.

And then, in the distance, a voice would ring out, clear as a bell.

“I love sports day!” Kate Middleton would sing, floating by in an inner tube down a river made of lemonade.

"It made other families feel rather hopeless."

Now Kate Middleton lives in a castle while all the other alumni live in crackhouses.

Their mothers weren't thoughtful enough.

[Tatler/Telegraph // Image via Getty]

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