Kate Middleton is giving birth, right now: At 6 a.m. London time, in the throes of labor, the Duchess of Cambridge entered St. Mary's hospital, where she will give birth to the heir to the British throne.

Or be beheaded by her furious husband! Ha-ha, just kidding (?), the royals haven't beheaded anyone in years.

By British tradition, and to ensure that the Jacobites are unable to sneak a tiny fake Roman baby onto the throne, the baby will be delivered by Dr. Who and the Prime Minister. It will probably be named "Jordan" or "Wayne."