Justin Bieber's Monkey Just Became German Forever
The Germans still have Bieber's monkey, OG Mally. They have Mally, even though it's obviously not cool to have your own infant Capuchin monkey anymore, and Bieber has since lost interest in the well-being (or existence) of Mally.
But at midnight last night, something horrible happened to fun-loving rule-breaking Original Gangsta Mally: Mally became German. The four weeks that the Germans had given Bieber to clear his monkey paperwork have expired, he still owes Germany thousands of Euros, and Mally is no longer a citizen of Bieber nation. Instead, Mally has now become a subject of the Federal Republic of Germany.
Mally will most likely be transferred to a zoo or animal sanctuary, where it will live a boring German life, filled with German non-excess: regular feedings, well-regulated bathing, and probably a sturdy tree to climb.
Gone are Mally's days of bottle service, all-night parties, and thousands of screaming fans. Mally will now start wearing a dark turtleneck, get really into design, and start preaching fiscal responsibility.
And maybe, maybe in the midst of another whirlwind tour, in another couple of years, a bus will stop outside Mally's beautiful sanctuary, and a twenty-something man with a face tattoo will ask to see a certain monkey, and Mally will put down that morning's Der Spiegel.
"One more time, OG Mally?"
And the monkey will nod, urinate on the latest German architectural digests, and hop onto Justin's shoulder, ready to take on the world. Together, finally, again.