Whoever said that youth is wasted on the young clearly did not anticipate a future in which a junior varsity boys’ baseball team from Grand Forks, N.D., would celebrate the end of their season and the impending arrival of summer by allegedly sexually violating a McDonald’s McChicken® on their bus. That same person probably also never contemplated that chicken-like sandwich product would one day be a category of item found on this, our Earth.

But here we are.

“A group of these young athletes participated in a sexual act with a sandwich and a bottle of Gatorade while others took pictures, and supposedly, video,” reports Bradford Arick of Valley News Live, who is all over that teen sandwich-fucking beat.


Last Thursday was the first Valley News Live was told about the Grand Forks Central High School Baseball Team supposedly putting bodily fluids onto a chicken sandwich and into a bottle of Gatorade, and then forcing other players on the team to consume it.

We called the school district and were directed to Associate Principal Jon Strandell, who only confirmed that “players were suspended for an incident on a bus following the team’s final game of the season.” Strandell would not go into detail, but did say only six were suspended out of the 15-18 players on the bus at the time.

The rumor was “basically confirmed,” Arick continues, by some vague social media posts about something gross happening to a McChicken that day.

Teens are not so happy with his exposé on junior varsity sandwich sex, according to these teen tweets:

Everyone’s a critic.

But no one is actually giving the details of what happened to that poor sandwich or explaining why the kids were suspended for three days.

“Bottom line is some young people made mistakes,” Grand Forks Central High Principal Buck Kasowski told Arick, vaguely, adding that rumors about players being forced to eat and drink from the tainted McChicken and Gatorade were “the furthest thing from the truth.”

Valley News Live claims to have obtained a picture of the debased Dollar Menu & More item “during the incident,” but refused to run or describe it, saying Grand Forks Police told them sharing photos and videos of whatever happened might qualify as distributing child porn.

Police also said there was likely no crime committed, because no one involved was forced into anything.

[GIF via this vaguely sexual McDonald’s commercial/YouTube]