Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis has gone wild and it's way better than a bath full of bouncing, barely (or not-at-all) legal coeds. On May 7, the day after he was found guilty of false imprisonment (three counts), assault causing great bodily injury (one count), and dissuading a witness from reporting (one count), The Hollywood Reporter nabbed an exclusive interview with the supreme douche, who was highly emotional and, as revealed later in the ensuing profile, drunk.

Before anything, watch his message to the jurors who convicted him, please. Seriously, whatever you are doing, watch this now. I don't care if you are crowning with the first of two twins or the second of two twins or bleeding out of your eyes and/or dick (which is smaller than Joe Francis' if you dislike him, but more on that in a second). Just watch this:

[There was a video here]

In case you didn't, here is what Francis says:

"Just to convict people because you’re jealous of them is retarded. And you’re a retarded jury and you should be shot dead. You should. If they had the death penalty for juries, you should be shot. Dead. By a firing squad."

(There is a longer version of this rant atop the Hollywood Reporter's post. I recommend that as well, even if you are in the middle of having triplets and they're all coming out of your smaller-than-Francis dick at once.)

Within the text, he elaborates on his notions of other people's jealousy:

"I have private jets, I have a great life, I'm a good-looking guy. I'm not conceited, but like — look, I have girls around me all the time, whatever I want. I make a lot of money. It's a great life. If I wasn't me, I'd fucking hate me."

He also describes his feelings on jurors in general — they are stupid until proven on his side:

"The problem with the jury system is that anyone who's not smart enough to come with an excuse to get out of jury duty doesn't get out. Only the stupidest of the stupidest people end up on juries, you know? I've never met a smart person who's done jury duty."

Also! His critics are his critics because they have small dicks and he doesn't.

"You know why I've been criticized, why I've been brutalized?" he says. "Anybody who criticizes me, anybody who — it's just a jealous guy. Everybody who says, 'Oh, Joe Francis is this' — look at their penis and tell me if it's small. Tell me!"

And how about the size of his own, um, manhood? He laughs gleefully. "It's been widely reported my penis is huge, but look, I have nothing to prove" — upon which he tries to do just that, tussling with his rather sweet girlfriend and urging her to tell me about his assets. She wriggles away, mortified.

"Tell him!" he laughs.

"No way!" she yells, vanishing into the kitchen.

He also lies about being placed on death row in Panama City, Fla., in 2007, when he was thrown in jail for contempt of court in the case involving his cameramen filming two 17-year-old girls. "They ended up moving me to death row," he lies. "They held him in a wing of that jail that had the most dangerous criminals, potentially headed for death row," one of his eight lawyers clarifies.

He says he is a "sophisticated, classy" guy, who did "a nice thing" for the women he was just convicted of falsely imprisoning:

"It just proves that any celebrity in Hollywood should never give a ride home to any girls. I mean, there were 20 people in the afterparty. They [say they] got their head slammed on a tile floor and they were imprisoned here for hours. They said it was here on the tile floor. I don't see any tile right here. Now you've been here for hours. Have you been imprisoned?"

Really, all four pages of the article are tremendous. It's like reading three seasons of a reality show, in which a hateful dickhead dies an agonizing death. Writer Stephen Galloway hedges momentarily, assuring us that Francis is "generous, trusting, warm and eager to please" ("I'm a nice guy!" says Francis, lover of the word "retarded," hater of jurors and of "monster, piece-of-shit asshole" Steve Wynn), but the story's kicker is world-class shade. I'm not even going to spoil it for you.

[Image via Getty]