This weekend I went to a late dinner and guess what, Jay Z was there. That’s pretty much the whole story, except where I note that—wow—he’s extremely good at eating spaghetti.
You might think his talent lies in music, and you’d be right, but as it turns out, he’s also a consummate professional in the business of eating.
Here’s the story in a nutshell. On Friday night, I went to dinner at a restaurant called Highway in a village on Long Island called Sagaponack. We sat down and a few minutes later, we realized Jay Z was dining at a table nearby. I took a surreptitious picture, after which my friend informed me that she was “mortified” and expressed doubt that we could ever return to the restaurant. Then we placed our orders. That’s where the story should end. But then I saw Jay eating his meal.
I have never seen someone eat so elegantly. He twirled that s’ghetti better than an Italian nobleman. Every bite was the correct size for his mouth. He left zero (0) fingerprints on his wine glass. He did all of this while carrying on a lively conversation with his dinner partner. Honestly, it was like watching a maestro conduct a pasta symphony.
I have never been so simultaneously inspired and ashamed in my whole life. I will never order spaghetti on a first, or even second, date because I know exactly what I look like trying to eat spaghetti. It is not pretty. Jay Z, on the other hand? He was pure class. Pure confidence.
So, how did he do it? I’ll tell you. Here’s how you eat spaghetti like a fucking boss:
- Record multiple hit records.
- Marry Beyoncé.
- Get a reservation at Highway.
- Order the pasta. I’m thinking he got the spaghetti with lobster diavola and uni. But hey, if the linguine with clams feels right, get that—I guess.
- Acknowledge the waiter as he places the steaming plate in front of you. God you’re such a gentleman.
- There’s a table of girls pretending not to watch your every move. Ignore them.
- You want to take a bite right? WRONG. Wait. Nothing more elegant than a perfectly timed pause. Okay now go.
- Twirl the spaghetti onto your fork.
- Now—and this is important—don’t break eye contact with your British friend as you laugh at his joke.
- Maintaining eye contact, put the fork in your mouth. Gesture emphatically with your other hand.
- Eat the spaghetti. Don’t spill any sauce. If you spill the sauce just fucking quit because I’ve seen Jay Z eat, and honey, you’re no Jay Z.
- Put the fork down.
- Pick up your wine glass. Oh my god what are you doing—by the stem!! By the stem!!!!
- Swirl it and take a sip.
- Repeat steps 6-14.
But you know what? You’ll never, ever be as good at eating spaghetti as Jay Z. Honestly, there’s no point in even trying. Get the branzino instead—it was pretty good!