I bet you thought there was only a slight chance you’d die from taking nonaspirin pain relievers like Advil, Aleve, Ibuprofen, Motrin and the like. Nope! Researchers are now saying they’re actually much more likely to kill you than they originally thought. How likely? The technical answer, I guess, is “it depends.”

The painful truth, via the New York Times:

Experts said that the warning reflected the gathering evidence that there was risk even in small amounts of the drug, so-called nonaspirin, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, or Nsaids, and that everyone taking them should use them sparingly for brief periods. Millions of Americans take them.

“One of the underlying messages for this warning has to be there are no completely safe pain relievers, period,” said Bruce Lambert, director of the Center for Communication and Health at Northwestern University, who specializes in drug safety communication.

“The additional risk is relatively small, but it could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back for someone already at risk,” Bruce Lambert, director of the Center for Communication and Health at Northwestern University, tells the Times.

Now I’m not a real doctor but the safest bet, I’m thinking, is to just suffer through your aches—with the added bonus of potentially buying yourself even more time to enjoy your suffering.

Here are some other things you can do to distract yourself from the blinding pain you’re now too scared to treat because the thought of dying keeps you awake at night:

  • Take a bath
  • Hit yourself in the face repeatedly
  • Learn to meditate
  • Drink until you black out
  • Take up a heroin habit
  • Focus on your emotional pain instead—what’s your ex been up to lately?
  • Call your mom and tell her you’re worried you’re turning into her
  • Watch all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls in one week or less
  • Check your credit score
  • Regret checking your credit score
  • Say fuck it and take a damn Advil already. We’re all going to die.

Image via AP. Contact the author at gabrielle@gawker.com.