According to what I’ve been reading, the year is 2015, and men are still refusing to eat pussies. What are you—crazy?

I mean, wow. I can’t even imagine this. And especially not now, in the year 2015. I come from the planet Melmac, where we’ve had a head start of millions of years of advanced civilization that enabled me to build the spacecraft that brought me here, so 2015 is an even more impressive number on my planet. But even on Earth, 2015 is a year in which no man should fear eating a pussy.

Remember how Biggie Smalls said “Don’t leave ya girl round me?” In my case, it’s more like “Don’t leave ya pussy round me.” Because I’ll eat it right up. Everyone knows this. And I’m here to tell you: cats are delicious. The fact that you won’t even give it a try? Ridiculous.

Maybe you’re scared of the claws? Lots of rookies are. But when you’ve had as much practice as me, you know that once you take the first big bite, it’s not even an issue. Sometimes cats are a little rough going down the hatch. Problem? Not at all. That’s where the cooking skills come in.

Yo, Kate—where do you keep the blender? [LAUGHTER]

Seriously, humans, what is life without trying new things? How can you live on a planet as thickly populated with delicious life forms as this and refuse to ever even let a lone feline pass your lips? I know, I know, I know what they say: “Curiosity killed the cat.” But I assure you that’s just an old wive’s tale.

Actually, I killed the cat—and ate it with a nice plum sauce! [LAUGHTER]

I think everyone should eat cats because they just taste good.

[Illustration by Jim Cooke. h/t: Jezebel]