Are you now or have you ever been a smoker of the dreaded “tobacky?” Perhaps you gave up the habit long ago, for your health? No matter—you are doomed.

“What’s that you say?”

Doomed, I say. Even those of you whose smoking was confined to your wayward youth, and who have long since moved on to alternative addictions such as “green juice,” should be informed of the fact that you will never, ever escape the cold grasp of death, which will be delivered to you—and this is just a guess on my part—as a result of the fact that you once smoked cigarettes, somehow.

Don’t take it from me, an idiot—take it from a bunch of doctors quoted in this Well story today, all of whom speak very clearly and enunciate properly in order to communicate the message: you are doomed. Did you quit smoking? Great. You are still doomed. Even if your doctor thinks you are healthy now, you probably still have “unrecognized smoking-caused lung disease or impairments.” Even if you think you feel normal now, you probably don’t know that your shitty jogging speed and frequent cases of the sniffles are due in part to your history of smoking!!!!!!!!! Your poor decisions of the past are branded upon you forever, as they should be.

Is there any hope of redemption from your fate as a decrepit and dying ex-smoker?

To improve exercise tolerance, patients are encouraged to walk as fast as they can for as long as they can, rest, then walk some more. Most patients find this easiest to do on a treadmill, where speed and incline can be precisely regulated and the results measured. But if such equipment is unavailable or too costly to access, walking indoors or outdoors can be helpful if geared to a specific distance and speed that are gradually increased.

Walk outside? Ehh. Death isn’t so bad.

[Photo of a person who will die: Shannon Holman/ Flickr]