STOP. You there, with the American cheese—yes, you, the American. Hold it right there.

Don’t just shove that gleaming American cheese slice into your watery maw with no forethought as usual. Things have changed. In what could prove to be the biggest existential danger to the average American since the Lil Caesars out by the highway closed, Kraft has issued a recall of individually wrapped slices of American cheese. I won’t “beat around the bushes” with you, friends—it’s bad.

“The Kraft Heinz Company is voluntarily recalling select code dates and manufacturing codes of Kraft Singles individually-wrapped slices due to the possibility that a thin strip of the individual packaging film may remain adhered to the slice after the wrapper has been removed,” the company says. “If the film sticks to the slice and is not removed, it could potentially cause a choking hazard.”

Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ. This is so fucked up. Fuck, man. Fuck. Jesus.

First of all calm the fuck down. Don’t tell me to calm down—you fucking calm down. Here is what we’re going to do, as a nation. We are going to strictly follow a safety protocol when eating our individually wrapped slices of American cheese. If we don’t, we’re all fucking dead. Okay? Don’t fuck around with this.


1. Unwrap your individually wrapped slice of American cheese.

2. ***IMPORTANT***: Look at the cheese real close. Is there any plastic on there? No? You sure? Turn it over. Any plastic there? Look close.

3. If there’s plastic still on it take the plastic off.

4. Enjoy that individually unwrapped slice of American cheese.

Rest assured this issue will be addressed in the upcoming Republican presidential debate.

[Photo: Flickr]