No one will beat Andrew Thomas. I mean, yes, he will likely lose the race for Arizona governor, and lose very badly. But when it comes to xenophobic pearl-clutching blabber about booting "illegals" and cowing gay liberals, Thomas is a master race unto himself.

The video above is what Wes Anderson-produced political ads for grumpy Maricopa County rotarians might look and sound like. Do not stop until you hit the glorious end graphic:

And here is a full transcript:

Conservatives are backing Andrew Thomas for governor because he's the only candidate who has stopped illegal immigration, stood up to the gay lobby, and opposed liberal judges.

"When I enforced the law, illegal immigrants fled this state. Now they stay. And protest!

"Other candidates say they'll secure the border, but talk is cheap. I stopped illegal immigration before. As governor I'll do it again. This time for good!"

Vote Andrew Thomas for governor. Before it's too late!

Thomas, the author of Clarence Thomas: A Biography (no relation) and The People v. Harvard Law, is a longshot, one of the least accomplished of six declared candidates for the Republican nomination in Arizona's upcoming gubernatorial race. He was the county prosecutor for Maricopa County, working (as he proudly points out) hand in glove with controversial county sheriff Joe Arpaio.

Thomas feuded with the county board over his budget, slapped disagreeable board members and county judges with literally hundreds of criminal charges—all of which were dismissed—and faced numerous ethics complaints. He lost two elections for state attorney general, and in 2012 was unanimously disbarred by a three-member panel that found he'd "outrageously exploited power, flagrantly fostered fear, and disgracefully misused the law."

But he'll be tough on illegals!