Photo: AP

A small group of conservatives, who have been watching in horror as people who are not white straight men enjoy the same constitutional protections and benefits, are reportedly planning for a “battle” at the national convention. Ironic, in that they’re finally fighting for minorities—themselves.

The Politico reports today that the party’s ultra-conservatives—the ones who always talk about “natural marriage” and “traditional values” and “wide stances”—are nervous their staunch policies won’t last past the convention.

Citing “a multimillion-dollar campaign to soften the party’s stringent posture on social issues” and Donald Trump’s policies—god knows what they are—conservative leaders like Ted Cruz are currently strategizing ways to stack the convention with friendly delegates to set the party’s official platform for the next four years.

Others, frightened by the prospect of equality, are sending crazy emails:

There’s also consternation about a group of mainstream GOP donors, including New York City billionaire Paul Singer, who are bankrolling American Unity Fund, an organization devoted to moderating the GOP’s official position on same-sex marriage. The outfit has spent months courting delegates on the platform committee, hoping to convince them that greater flexibility on the issue will help the party expand. Last month, American Unity Fund officials traveled to Hollywood, Florida, to attend the RNC’s annual spring meeting.

Over the weekend, Family Research Council President Tony Perkins, a Louisiana delegate who will have a seat on the Platform Committee, sent an email to supporters in which he derided Singer as a “sexual revolutionary” bent on “hijacking” and “radicalizing” the platform. The message was sent under the subject line, “New stealth attack threatens natural marriage.”

This is getting good.