Did you get cancer recently? You did? Uh... sorry. I'm very sorry. I thought you were going to say "no." Jesus. Uh... take heart in your many fellow Americans who have not gotten cancer recently—thanks to science, etc!

New data from the American Cancer Society says that 1.5 million Americans have been spared from dying of cancer in the past 20 years, as the cancer death rate has declined by 22% due to various things your doctor can do, and also due to the 22% decline in American Coolness which has caused fewer people to be smokers. This is unalloyed good news, particularly for those Americans who did not die of cancer.

For the millions of Americans who did die of cancer during the past 20 years, there is little comfort to be found in this statistical progress.

Also, in the developing world, cancer rates are getting worse.

[Photo: Shutterstock]