As an American who is fortunate enough to have ready access to the finest yogurt from around the world, a sense of revulsion at watery, inferior European yogurt brands is nothing new. But now we know that these inferior yogurt brands are actual criminals.

The setting: a French cafe. The scene: a group of businessmen, with hushed voices, gathered around a table in a back room. What are they doing there? Let's tune in and see...

BUSINESSMAN 1: (He's speaking French) Here we are—people from all the big French yogurt companies, that don't even make good yogurt.
BUSINESSMAN 2: (Also Frenchly) Now let's collude to fix the prices of our inferior product!

Shockingly, this scene is all too real, more or less. The French government has announced large fines against a YOGURT CARTEL. This YOGURT CARTEL was a YOGURT CARTEL of leading manufacturers of bad yogurt, in France, including Lactalis, Laiterie de Saint Malo, Senagral, Novandie, Les Maitres Laitiers du Cotentin, Alsace Lait, Laita, Yeo Frais and Laiterie H Triballa—none of whom are called "Fage" or "Noosa" and therefore I know the yogurt they make is not worth a damn! This corrupt YOGURT CARTEL, representing a huge percentage of all the inferior yogurt sold in the ironically snobby foodie nation of France, operated like an absolute criminal conspiracy, using secret phones and sneaking off to secret meeting in secret apartments to flat-out set the prices of bad yogurt prices throughout the country. There is little doubt that this YOGURT CARTEL enriched itself at the expense of the public, and now they will pay the price for it, like the wanton criminal YOGURT CARTEL that they are. Le pew!

The only good thing is maybe people inadvertently ended up eating less of this watery French yogurt because of all this price fixing.

France? Not a great yogurt country. Now, Greece—there's a great yogurt country.

[Crime scene photo via]