On Monday, America's most famous Type A personality typed a grim little proposition into the Twitter client of her choosing, beckoning her public to follow her to a second blog location like a shirtless man with dirty teeth beckons lost travelers behind his privately-owned service station to show them "some crazy shit."
"EVER SEE A HORSE GET HIS TOOTH PULLED?" screamed Martha. "SEE MY HORSE RUTGER GET HIS TOOTH PULLED ON MY BLOG TODAY. Pls comment on blog."
Ever see a horse get a tooth pulled? See my horse Rutger get his tooth pulled on my blog today. Pls comment on blog http://t.co/MCvXDCfdqH
— Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) March 3, 2014
The tweet linked out to a post titled "My Friesian, Rutger, Went To Visit The Dentist," on Stewart's recently launched animal torture fetish vertical, "The Martha Blog." The post consisted of a 44 photo slideshow depicting the extraction of Rutger's giant cracked molar. (The procedure actually took place last month, and was documented less graphically in two installments on MarthaStewart.com subdomain "The Daily Wag," a blog allegedly written by Stewart's French bulldogs, Francesca and Sharkey).
Ever see a horse get a tooth pulled?
Hey, now you have.
The first image of Rutger's freed bloody tooth bursts onto the scene 15 clicks into the slideshow. The tooth is big enough that if you tried to fit all of it inside your mouth at once, alongside your own teeth, you would probably gag. It is steaming like an egg roll fresh from the oyster pail.
A lesser blog might have held onto this money shot until the very end of the slideshow, tossing it up as the grand, terrifying finale. How does Stewart round out the remaining two-thirds of the images?
More of the same.
But man cannot live on crunchy, crumbling bloody horse teeth alone.
Luckily, at Photo 34, the really stomach-churning part of the procedure is unveiled: the equine dental team will have to "flush the sinus cavity of any bacteria that may have accumulated" by drilling a hole into Rutger's skull (he was anesthetized!) and then pumping a solution into the cavity via a thin tube. The solution will leak out of Rutger's nose and into a bucket. It will be a lot like a human using a neti pot if, instead of tilting your head to one side and pouring the saline solution into one nostril, you drilled a hole directly into your forehead and dumped water into it. The execution will be elegant and tasteful.
With characteristic pep, Photo 44 declares the procedure "a complete success!" and proclaims Rutger "very happy and relieved." (The hole, a prior slide informs us, will mend itself.)
Pls comment on blog.
[Images via TheMarthaBlog.com, Getty]