"Endless Appetizers" Mark Beginning of Our Collective National Suicide
Though famine still takes its toll on the unfortunates across the sea, the greatest nation in the world has transcended such concerns. Here, our Statue of Liberty's upraised torch beckons with the message: In America, our appetizers are endless.
In a bid to have its logo engraved on Mount Rushmore alongside our nation's other greatest heroes, indistinguishable flair-bedecked roadside dining hut TGI Fridays is now offering "endless appetizers" to you, the consumer, for the meager sum of $10. For less than the price of a single appetizer at a "good" restaurant, TGI Fridays will allow you, the consumer, to consume an unlimited amount of the following foodlike items: Loaded Potato Skins, Pan-Seared Pot Stickers, Mozzarella Sticks, Garlic & Basil Bruschetta, Tuscan Spinach Dip, Boneless Buffalo Wings, Crispy Green Bean Fries.
(For those of you not versed in fine dining lingo, that is: Potato Bacon Cheez, Fried noodle pockets, fried cheese, grease bread, cream cheese dip, chicken fingers, and fried fry.)
For the price of a dime bag, TGI Fridays employees will reheat these items, place them on a machine-washed plate, and deliver them directly to your table, until such time that you instruct them to cease doing so. Furthermore, TGI Fridays chief marketing officer Brian Gies assures USA Today that the restaurant's employees will not call the police on you should you choose to order a single order of "Endless Appetizers" and then share your endless appetizers with your broke, deadbeat friend, Taylor Berman:
Even then, says Gies, Fridays will respect whatever tack customers take — even if it bends the rules of the promotion. "No one should be embarrassed for coming into Fridays and ordering whatever they want to order," he says. "They will not be bawled out. There will be no policing or hand-slapping."
It is our fervent hope that this promotion succeeds in flooding each and every TGI Fridays location with large groups of America's homeless, all of whom will sit at a table all day sharing a single order of endless appetizers, until TGI Fridays is driven out of business, victims of their own generosity.
We offer TGI Fridays our encouragement, and watch on in horror.