The scene: “A jungle clearing atop a mountain at an undisclosed location in Mexico.” The characters: Escaped Mexican billionaire drug kingpin El Chapo and, uh, Sean Penn? The result: A presumably edited, rambling 11,000-word account of a madman’s meeting with a criminal.

Penn’s account of the seven-hour secret meeting, apparently conducted in October and brokered by the Mexican film star Kate del Castillo, was published today by Rolling Stone. (Why El Chapo, who has never before admitted to committing any crimes, chose Sean Penn to confess to is truly anyone’s guess.) Penn spends thousands of words spent describing El Chapo’s advanced counter-surveillance techniques before getting to the important part. Via the New York Times:

Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug lord known as El Chapo, started out in business not long after turning 6, selling oranges and soft drinks. By 15, he said in an interview conducted in a jungle clearing by the actor and director Sean Penn for Rolling Stone magazine, he had begun to grow marijuana and poppies because there was no other way for his impoverished family to survive.

Now, unapologetically, he said: “I supply more heroin, methamphetamine, cocaine and marijuana than anybody else in the world. I have a fleet of submarines, airplanes, trucks and boats.”

Though his fortune, estimated at $1 billion, has come with a trail of blood, he does not consider himself a violent man. “Look, all I do is defend myself, nothing more,” he told Mr. Penn. “But do I start trouble? Never.”

Still, there are some other insights contained in the piece:

- Sean Penn doesn’t know how to use a laptop

- Sean Penn claims to be 5'9

- Sean Penn knew how to surf at age nine

- Sean Penn only knows how to say “hola” and “adios” in Spanish

- Sean Penn likes to speed, but only when he’s driving

- Sean Penn had his dick in his hand right before meeting El Chapo

- Sean Penn watches Fusion

- Sean Penn farted in front of El Chapo. It had a “subtle brume.”

Rolling Stone, in a move that’s not good for journalism but great for, say, staying alive, gave the confessed criminal final approval of the story. (According to the magazine’s disclaimer, El Chapo did not change anything.) Still I bet Sean Penn’s sleeping better tonight.

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