Dumb Hicks Are America's Greatest Threat
Many of America’s political leaders are warning of the dangers posed by Syrian refugees. They are underestimating, though, the much greater danger: dumbass hicks, in charge of things.
The mayor of Roanoke, Virginia approvingly cites Japanese internment camps in a statement explaining why Roanoke will not accept Syrian refugees. The mayor of Jacksonville, Florida says “we are a loving city with open arms” while explaining why he wants to keep refugees out of his state completely. A Missouri state representative publishes an error-riddled letter calling for action to prevent “the potential Islamization of Missouri.” These sentiments are echoed by small-time politicos all across the country, and echoed again by big-timers, all the way up to Republican presidential candidates. An actual majority of U.S. governors are now on the record as saying they don’t want any Syrian refugees coming into their territory—even though they don’t actually have the power to keep them out.
What do all of these bold political leaders have in common? They’re dumb hicks.
First of all, Roanoke is a real shit hole, and so is Jacksonville. No refugees want to go there anyhow. Don’t flatter yourselves.
Second of all, you, our elected officials, are embarrassing us. All of us, except your fellow dumb hicks, who voted for you in large numbers. You—our racist, xenophobic, knuckle-dragging ignorant leaders—are making us look bad in front of the guests (the whole world). You are the bad cousin in the family who always ruins Thanksgiving. Go in the back room and drink a can of beer alone please.
Some will say it is rude to point out that many of our leaders are, in fact, stupid hicks. I say it is ruder to block a war refugee from coming to your unattractive state due to the fact that you, personally, are dumb. Some may disagree.
We do not need a national debate about whether it is “good” to, at the first sign of danger, retreat into a cocoon of viciousness and stupidity and label every less-than-white foreigner a danger to us from which we must cower in fear. It is not good. What it is is stupid. Because the people reacting this way are stupid hicks. America is a big place. We have thousands and thousands of elected officials. A statistically significant number of them are bound to be dumb hicks. It’s just math. I was born and raised down south and I can testify that it is full of dumb hicks, running things. There are regional variations in all other parts of the country as well. It would be better if we could keep the dumbass hicks at, say, the County Commissioner level and below. But sometimes they filter all the way up to governor and whatnot. Chris Christie, warning us against the dangers of five-year-old Syrian orphans, is little more than the New Jersey version of a loud, dumb hick. That’s democracy in action I guess.
The important thing I want to communicate to the world is: these are dumb hicks. Many Southern mayors are dumb hicks. Many lesser known state representatives are dumb hicks. The governor of Texas has traditionally been, with notable exceptions, a dumb hick. It is wrong to think that our political leaders should be smarter than us. In fact, they are roughly as smart as the people who elect them—us, a nation that boasts large and coherent pockets of dumbass hicks, running things.
To the dumb hick leaders of America, I say: (nothing). You wouldn’t listen anyhow. Too busy singing the words to “Dixie” in your mind, imagining yourself dancing a jaunty jig. My words would go in one ear and right out the other. Like talking to an old block of wood. A big waste of time. To everyone else, I say: get a load of these dumbass hicks. Don’t they know that the biggest terrorist force in the history of America has in fact been dumbass hicks? There were 4,000 documented lynchings in this country between the end of Reconstruction and 1950. Who carried them out? Dumbass hicks. The Ku Klux Klan, which has been around for 150 years, is the single most persistent violent terrorist group in America. Its members? Exclusively dumbass hicks (100%). The US Civil War, which killed 620,000 soldiers, was launched by—you guessed it—dumb hicks.
They wanted to be able to keep other people as their private prisoners, to work for them for free, just because they wanted to. Give me a break. That is such a dumb hick thing to think is “okay.” You can’t do that to people, idiots—read a book!
The Iraq War that led down the long and spiraling path to where we are today was started by a dumbass hick.
Stupid hicks have been fucking shit up for centuries here. Now is no different. Banning poor, penniless refugees from coming to your shitty little town due to terrified, aggressive ignorance is a shameful thing to do. But that is what we get for putting dumb hicks in charge of things. In fact, putting dumb hicks in powerful positions has been the single most damaging thing in the history of America. For us, it’s what we deserve. There is no reason to make refugees suffer for our demographic sins, though. Sorry for that.
There are still a dozen or more states not currently run by dumb hicks that would love to have you, Syrian refugees. Do come, please.